I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
