Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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