My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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