I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize