Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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