Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Someone came in the potted fern
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
