my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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