dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
His hands were made for my vagina.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
