don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
