You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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