don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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