And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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