yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
