You're so nebulous sometimes
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Vodka?
Forever.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
