I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
