My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
