not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
