This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
