Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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