I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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