apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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