Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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