I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
