Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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