My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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