She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
