I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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