Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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