I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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