i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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