look no pants
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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