I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
