I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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