It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
