Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
