I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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