Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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