I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
