we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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