This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize