the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
