He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
