Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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