watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
