My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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