You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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