don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
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