proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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