never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
