okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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