no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
