Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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