I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
