whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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