guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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