Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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