the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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