I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
